I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
