So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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