dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
