I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize