i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
