not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
