she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
