Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
