hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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