how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
