we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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