i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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