And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
