Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
