I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
