There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
