Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
