Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
