can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
