I can text with my tongue
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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