Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize