I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I will be naked everywhere
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
