I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
