My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
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