I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
