I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
