I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Randomize
