Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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