I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
You took a bar mat shot.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
