my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
