he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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