I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
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