I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
