My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
