Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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