i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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