It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
