so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
