she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
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