How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Randomize
