Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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