when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
