My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
