i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
