bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Randomize
