I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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