I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
