Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
