oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
