i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
