i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
