Soap is not a condiment
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
i just sent this text using only my big toe
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
