My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
