i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
