Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
The best revenge is premature balding
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
